Sub-Sister: Adventures in Substitute Teaching

Blogging Excuses

2007-04-13T16:01:00.000-05:00

I'm so sorry I've been MIA! I do have a really good excuse, though. Really. You see, the dog ate my laptop.

I thought it was due next week?

Someone stole all my ideas?

No, I remember now. I got a new job. I will be an actual Real Teacher for the remainder of the school year. So over the Spring Break (which we old-timers always called "Easter Vacation" back in the day) I've been holed up in my new room playing catch up.

I have read novels, I have had acid-flashbacks over the Geography book, I have cleaned through eons of school-created dust strata, I have rearranged hundreds of National Geographic magazines dating back to the 1950's, and I have graded a pile of papers that teetered at an impressive 18"tall.

And... for the first time in my life, I have created full-on lesson plans. See, I've been busy.

As I want to teach full time, anyway, this is a great chance for me to get my feet wet. But this does mean that I'll no longer be subbing. And you know what? I'm actually going to miss it a little. I enjoyed getting to meet all sorts of different people, and the excitement of never knowing what the day would throw at me, and being wakened at 6 am with an emergency sub assignment, and being pulled out of the nice comfortable English class I had been planning on to cover the ISS kids who just sent their sub home crying.

Waitaminute. I won't miss any of that. I'll get to know where I'm supposed to be every day, and when I should be there, and I'll still never have to worry about getting bored... 'cause no one has EVER said that teaching is boring. :)

But this does mean that Sub-Sister will now be defunct. It isn't needed anymore. It has let me vent and share things that I thought might give you a chuckle, but I'm not a sub anymore. But I am a REal Teacher, and I'm sure that will provide more taht enough fodder for blog-land... if I can find the time to write. Try me here: Miss Teacher Lady, But give me a week or so to get all my ducklings in a row, OK?

I'll leave Sub-Sister up because I've put alot of time and effort into it. Goodbye and good luck, my dears!

Kinder Lists

2007-04-01T20:07:00.000-05:00

I had a few sub days in a Kindergarten class recently, and I have a few observations to make. And just because I do love me a good list, I shall divide my experiences into list-form. You're welcome ;)

5 Not-So-Great Things About Kinders

1. They're always sticky.
2. The boys miss the toilet, and so you have to mop up little boy pee. Yay.
3. They'll tell you uncomfortable personal information about their homelife.
4. Trying to get them to go anywhere as a group is like herding drunken midgets. (Thanks Deb!)
5. They are at full-speed ALL THE TIME.

5 Great Things About Kinders

1. All of them want to sit beside you at lunch. You're an instant Rock Star!
2. When they hug you, they pat your butt. Which is just funny.
3. They always remember your name.
4. They ask you to "open" bananas for them.
5. They love you unconditionally simply because you're their teacher.

Crispy-Fried Teenagers

2007-03-21T20:17:00.000-05:00

Last week at the High School, I was sitting in the computer lab watching the ersatz typing class as they played Space Invaders. "Ersatz". Heh, how do you like me and my SAT words? ;)

Anyway, I'm happily babysitting when the fire alarm goes off. After I pick myself off the floor (MAN, those things are loud!), I head toward the door. Now, every other time there's been a fire alarm when I've been subbing, I've been in the Elementary school. Those kids are on the ball. Before I can even say, "Line up!", they're in line and quietly filing out the door.

But not so with the High Schoolers. They don't move an inch. I say, "Come on, guys. Fire drill!" They look at me, and sarcastically inform me that "they" have been testing the system all week, and we're supposed to ignore the alarm. Since I'm not an utter idiot, I went to the class next door to ask that teacher. She agreed that we should ignore it, and since there weren't any other classes tromping down the hallway towards the nearest emergency exit, I went back to my, um, work.

Here's the fun part of this incident. The alarm shuts off. Yay. A few minutes later, an administrator doing his rounds to make sure everyone was out, comes down the hallway and tells us that there is a fire alarm going off "in other parts of the school" and we should evacuate. We go outside, and hear an unholy racket of alarms, sirens, bells, whistles, and yelling teenagers. There are fire trucks on the scene because apparently... there really was a fire. A small one no where near where I was, but still.

Two things: First, why were the alarms by the computer labs shut off? I mean, they were obviously working, so if they had continued working, I probably would have figured something funky was up. Secondly, if there had been alarm testing all week, why not come over the intercom and announce that THIS IS NOT A DRILL?

Yep, I nearly had me some crispy-fried teenaged critters.

I Am A Sell-Out

2007-03-12T19:54:00.000-05:00

I called a child "Bubba" today.

I was driving a yellow bus, and it was easier than yelling my little explanation-jig into the child-watching mirror, and keeping an eye on the traffic, and making sure the 5th graders weren't stuffing a kindergartener through a window.

Look, I needed to know if "Bubba" was on the bus. In a hurry.

Leave me alone.

Me, Bubba, and Tater

2007-03-04T18:46:00.000-05:00

I was calling roll in a 2nd grade class the other day when I came across a bit of a problem.

"Karen?"
"Here!"
"Caleb?"
"Yep."
"Steven?"
...
"Steven?"
"Ms. Substitute, he's called 'Tater'."

So I wander over to Tater and ask "Hon, what's your name?"
"Tater"
"No Baby, what do your parents call you?"
"Tater.'
"OKaaaay. What does your teacher call you?"
"Tater."
"Really?"
Nods.
"Huh. What name is on your Birth Certificate?"
"Steven."
"Alright! Now we're getting somewhere! Now, your name is Steven. Think you can remember that? Good."

See, I'm the kind of teacher who won't call a child by a nickname. I really just don't want to. It makes me feel silly. Now, I have no problem with calling Jennifer "Jenny" (or "Jeni" as is so often the case these days), Samantha can be "Sam", William can be "Will", and Malcolm can be "Mal". Neither do I have a problem with calling someone by their middle name, or even their first and middle name together this being the South and all. So you might hear me call out "Jenny Louise" or "Margie May".

But you will never catch me shouting "Cookie", "Peanut", "Red", "Little Man", "Fatboy", "Cooter", or any other ridiculous appellation across the room. Even the idea of that makes me feel foolish. I am a grown woman. I shouldn't ever have to utter the nickname "Froggie". Ever.

Seriously, people.

The Bestest Kid In the World!

2007-02-18T23:32:00.000-05:00

Now I don't know about the rest of you subs out there, but I read all the stuff that kids turn in to their teacher. This is how I keep myself occupied, and also how I get to know the kids a little better. I used to feel guilty about this, like I was invading the kids' privacy or something, but I soon got over that. In fact, now not only do I read the students' work, I read whatever strikes my fancy in the room, and I go through the teacher's desk. Real Teachers Be Warned... because I'm fairly certain that all other subs do this.

Anyway, I was subbing for a middle school computer class where the students had to design and print a flyer that listed why they were The World's Best Kid. Now, ignoring the fact that not a single one of these kids knew to put the apostrophe in "World's", I was pretty impressed. Most of these people think pretty highly of themselves. There was alot of:

Smart
Attractive/Pretty
Popular
Athletic
Cool/Awesome

Then there were the amusing:

I'm weird
I rarely get in trouble
I have long hair (LOL)

But my favorite flyer was from a kid who apparently knew her shortcomings. She wrote, and I quote: I hardly ever lie unless I'm in big trouble and my parents ask me why I did something and then I can stretch the truth a little.

And that's why I'm The World's Greatest Kid!

Short 'n' Sweet

2007-02-10T21:34:00.000-05:00

On a bus, I hear my name called repeatedly. Sometimes it's important information like, "Bobby threw up!" or "My nose is bleeding." But more often than not, it's important only to the child: "Look at this bug I found it's green and blue and green and it bit me so I threw it on the ground and then I saw this cool rock but the bug crawled up on it and I like it again and I named him Paul!" Anyway, the point is, that I've developed the ability to drown out all the useless chatter and only really "hear" stuff said in truly urgent tones.

Which is why I heard this the other day:

"Red light, Miss Bus Driver!"

So I stop (which I was going to do anyway, really, but anyone would perk up at a 5-year-old screeching about stop lights in their ear). And look in the rearview mirror to see my usual view of a kindergartener:

Then the child says, "Very good, Miss Bus Driver!"

Heh. Praise is always welcome :)

Sexy Beast

2007-02-02T23:27:00.000-05:00

I have a confession. See, most of the time my brain doesn't work quickly enough. Usually, I'm thinking of a clever comeback or witty rejoinder about 30 seconds after the moment has passed. But then there are times that the ol' brain works at full speed, and those smart-alecky comments just race to the tip of my tongue. Those are inevitably the times that I don't need to say anything. Oh, the irony. You want an example? Why, I just happen to have one on hand right here!

Recently, I took a group on a field trip out of state (we're near the state border, so that's not as big a deal as it sounds). On the way, we had to go through a toll. Now, school buses get to go through those puppies for free as long as they're transporting students. No problem.

But on the way back home, the second time through the toll that day, I got asked the stupidest question ever. By the way, they had closed the wide load lane so I had to maneuver the Beast through the regular itty-bitty lane which is like threading a needle with yarn, but that's a whole other story. Anyway, this was one of those times that my brain actually worked.

After I squeezed (that sounds wrong... squoze?) the bus through the lane up to the toll booth, the toll-worker-lady looks up at me, squints at the tinted windows down the side of the bus, and asks, "Are there students on the bus?"

Think about that for a sec. I'm in a vehicle that guzzles gas like it's free, and handles like a drunken elephant. I'm not only across county lines, but in an entirely different state than the one emblazoned on the side of the vehicle. And she wanted to know if there were students on the bus.

My immediate urge was to say, "Students? On this thing?! Why? Nah, I'm just cruisin' the strip for some men, 'cause this Beast is so SEXY!"

But what I actually did was smile and say, "Yes."

I'm actually right proud of myself. I proved that my brain can work quickly if it wants, that I can control my tongue if I want, and that working with children hasn't smothered all my lovely sarcasm. Wonderful.

Heartfelt Plea to "Real" Teachers- #2

2007-01-28T00:06:00.000-05:00

Please, please, please. Please keep in mind the length of your classes when you make your sub-plans. For example, I recently had a day where the plans looked something like this:

1st block: Take spelling test.
2nd block: Have students type up their resumés.
3rd block: Spelling test.
4th block: Read Lincoln's speech in Literature book.

Now, just for clarification, each class is and hour and a half long. Got me? AN HOUR AND A HALF to take a 20 word spelling test. And to make life even funner, that last block assignment didn't come with a page number... or a book. When I managed to find a student who actually had their book on them (although why a 9th grade ESL student had a 12th grade Honors book on him I'll never know) I discovered that the speech took up half a page.

So please remember that I can only take so much conversation about how cute the Varsity Basketball center is, how "emo" the new kid is, how awesome the new Wii is, and give me enough material to fill the whole class period.

Besides, teenage boys tend to start practicing their wrestling moves on each other when they're bored and I'm running out of explanations as to why another three desks were destroyed, why Bobby has a bloody nose, and why Kevin has two fingers and a toe that are turning a lovely shade of plum. Although I must say that I have perfected my Michael Buffer impersonation.

"Lllet's Get Rready To Rruumbllllle!!"

The Best Day Ever

2007-01-15T02:28:00.000-05:00

You know what I love about subbing in High School? I'd like to say that it's seeing the teenagers' faces light up with understanding after a particularly brilliant explanation, or their joyful expressions when they see that they have me as a sub, or even when they manage to remember that my name isn't actually "Miss Substitute Teacher-Lady" or "Hey, Don't You Drive The Basketball Team Bus?"It would be closer to the truth to say that what I like best about High School subbing is seeing the teenagers' faces go blank when they realize that I actually am smarter than they are, or their first bumbling attempts at having a conversation without using "Duh", ""Whatever", or any number of profanities. But that wouldn't be the truth. The truth is even shallower.

I love subbing in High School because most of the teachers have planning periods, or as I like to call them, Nap Times. I understand that this is a necessary time for Real Teachers to organize their stuff, grade papers, go to the restroom, or have a nice little cry, but since I don't have planning to do (the pottying and crying are another matter), I get to have some free time.

Last week I had the best time ever. This particular teacher had a planning period, lunch, and a Journalism class that as far as I could tell involved letting 10 students wander off to do their own thing. So I had roughly three and a half hours to myself. THREE AND A HALF HOURS, people! I ate my lunch, I read my book, I wandered the halls trying to look nonchalant as I went in search of a particularly handsome single male teacher (Stalker? Me? What?!?), and I surfed the internet. Yep. All in all, a very productive day.

I even found that with a little creative rationalization, I could give myself an imaginary payraise:

8 Hrs
-3.5 Hrs
---------
4.5 Hrs Actual Time Worked

Crappy Daily Pay / Actual Time Worked = Not So Crappy Hourly Rate

Sweet.

Sub On Wheels

2007-01-06T22:15:00.000-05:00

Ok, I've been feeling a little guilty because I've writing so much about bus driving lately. But then I think, "Hey, I'm still a sub! I still fill in when I'm needed. I still spend the time trying to keep kids from bleeding, throwing up, or killing each other. I just do it at 45 mph."

In case you've been wondering what it might be like to be a substitute bus driver, and I know you have, then just do this: Stand facing a whiteboard (although a blackboard would add an authentic irritating noise), pretend that you have to really concentrate on copying down a complex mathematical equation for the lesson, and then try control the crowd of ruffians behind you. Don't turn around! And that nifty li'l mirror above your head don't show you nothin' useful.

Yep. Definitely still a sub. Also, I do attempt to teach them something. Hey, wait for the crowd to all stand up on the bus yet again, stop suddenly (Beast can stop on a dime, people!), wait for the children to finish rolling down the aisle, yell, "See why you're supposed to sit down?!?", and see if they don't learn reeeeealllll quick-like :)

Heartfelt Plea To "Real" Teachers - #1

2006-12-17T17:14:00.000-05:00

Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, do not leave a video for your sub. It is the kiss of death.

If you are lucky, the students will either fall asleep or sneak out of the darkened room. But if hell didn't freeze over during the previous night, what you will actually have is anarchy. And you will have nothing to grab their attention and turn them to the side of good and order. No. Because all you have is a video tape.

Trust me, they do not want to see that episode of "3-2-1 Contact" from 1983.

Speed Governors

2006-12-12T22:57:00.000-05:00

Anybody who has ever been stuck in a long line of traffic behind a school bus knows that those puppies have speed governors on them. Here where I live, most governors are set at 35-45 mph, but activity buses can be set at 55 mph. It's not looking in the rearview, seeing the line of cars trailing behind you, with all the drivers looking really really mad that's so bad; the truly irritating thing is the effect these contraptions have on the children. Hey, I'm all about the welfare of the babies.

So, last week I was driving a Middle School athletic team to a game when one of the kids announces that he has to "go". Of course, he says this in a most urgent tone, panic in his eyes. This isn't a casual observation. This is an Annie-sized emergency (I was saying "When ya gotta go, ya gotta go" for years after I saw that movie). And of course we're in the middle of utter nowhere. BFE. The Boonies. Sticksville... I can't think of any more slang. The coach tells him that he'll have to wait until the next rest area. That's only a few minutes away, so no big deal, right? Wrong. We stumble on an outpost of civilization, and the poor dear starts yelling:

"There's a BP! They got bathrooms there!"

"You can still turn!"

"Turn here! Turn!"

"Ooh, there's a grocery store! I bet they'd let me pee there!"

Then the child leans over my shoulder, looks at the speedometer and begs:

"Go faster! Speed, woman! SPEED!!!"

Ha! That still makes me laugh. Anyway, I tried to explain about the hated governor, but I could see it in his eyes: All his full-bladder-adled brain understood was that the meanest bus driver in the world wanted him to wet his pants.

And that is why I think all governors should be outlawed. Think about the children, people!

***
By the way, he did make it to the rest area. No puddles allowed on my bus.

My Day In Special Ed

2006-11-09T21:54:00.000-05:00

Actually "Special Ed" isn't used anymore. That's just what they called the learning disabled classes back in my day. *sigh* Yeah... back in a simpler time before I heard such terms as mainstreaming and inclusion.

Quick lesson in definitions:

Mainstreaming - Basically, taking a learning disabled student out of the secluded Special Education class, and placing them in a few "regular" classes. They can only stay in these classes if they can "keep up" with the rest of their classmates.

Inclusion - This is when the learning disabled student is present in all "regular" classes, but with a tutor who will help them along.

The reason for this impromptu mini-lecture, is that I was recently a sub for an Inclusion Tutor (I don't think that's actually the correct term, but there are so many freakin' titles and acronyms in school systems that I'm gonna start making up my own so I too can sound like a know-it-all beaurocrat). I had this cute middle schooler whom I sat with during the day to give hints to, prod and prompt, and praise and berate as needed. This all went well for the first half of the day. Although it was highly boring to me as I was only in charge of one kid, I definitely saw the positive effect that Inclusion can have. This student gets to hang out with his peers, he learns the same things they do (although at a different speed), and the classroom teacher gets to teach at their regular pace knowing that the Tutor is on hand to help the learning disabled student along. There's no class flow disruption as the teacher goes over to help the special students, and there's no odd looks from the rest of the class toward the kid with his special teacher... because they're used to it. Yay.

The problem is, since the child is supposed to be totally included in all "normal" activities, there's no place for the student to go when they start acting.. well, disabled. Let me 'splain. See, me and my Little Buddy, after a morning of good times, get in a class where the fun of the hour seems to be the students running their mouths off at the push-over teacher. Fun, eh? I thought it was just the group of kids until the teacher left for a moment, leaving me in charge. Total 180 in attitudes. All of the sudden it was "Yes Ma'am" and "May I?". They only spoke to the teacher with such disrespect because she allowed them to. My Little Buddy, following the example of his peers, joined in on the fun, and became irate when I wouldn't put up with the same backtalk that she did. In response to me being a "hard*ss", LB self-destructively refused to do any schoolwork as a sort of political protest. In the next classroom, his mouthiness and uncooperativeness continued, disrupting the class and that teacher's lesson.

Unfortunately, my Little Buddy had gotten off track, and as an Inclusion student his actions were to be handled in the same manner as the rest of his classmates. In other words, bad behavior=detention. This didn't seem fair to me. Yes, this kid is in the same classes as the rest of the students, but he also works at a different pace to accommodate his special needs. He gets a tutor to accommodate his special needs. He takes oral tests accommodate his special needs. So why doesn't he get a different punishment or time out to accommodate his special needs?!?

Now, will someone give me a hand down from this soapbox?

Big Yellow Bus

2006-11-06T22:36:00.000-05:00

So, as you know, I've been doing lots of activity bus driving; taking various sports teams to and from games. (Side note: none of the teams I've driven have won their games. I think I'm bad luck... poor babies.) But this past week I got my first Substitute Bus Driving assignment. This means that I actually got to drive a big yellow bus, use the pretty lights, the nifty stop sign, and say fun things like, "Do I need to stop this bus?!". Great fun!

But as you might expect, things didn't exactly go perfect on my first day. Of course not, that would be too easy, and not nearly as interesting as what actually happened.

First, I couldn't get the bus to move. Here I am at the school all alone in the pitch-black, deathly silent pre-dawn and the darned thing Will Not Budge. The parking brake seems to be stuck. So I fiddle and fiddle with it, push every button and knob I can find just in case, until I finally just floor the gas. The Beast jumps like I've just flown over a small vehicle and jerks forward about ten feet at full speed. So we have movement, but I spend the rest of the trip wondering whether there is a real problem with the braking system, or if I've done some sort of irreparable damage to the Beast.

The morning run went smoothly. I mean, I didn't leave any kids behind. Not that I know of. Of course, they weren't on the bus to let me know, but you understand.

The afternoon run was different. First, there were many many more kids to keep an eye on. I'm not sure how this happened. Where did they come from? Most likely, a bunch of the kiddies decided to ride home with their friends. Since I didn't know any of the kids anyway, I certainly wouldn't be able to tell if I had some stowaways onboard.

Then I had all the kindergarteners right behind me. These children were apparently asleep on the morning run, because I was not prepared for the unholy racket they made in the afternoon. At that age, kinders are still at the "squeal like a stuck pig when so excited that words will not do this joy justice" stage. So every time one of them saw a cute bunny on the roadside, or a bug on their seat, or their seatmate tried to kiss them, I would be shocked out of my seat by an ear-piercing high-pitched blood-curdling wail of death.

My bus swerved over the yellow line alot.

And since I attract nauseous children from miles around, I of course had a sick little girl on the bus. I hear "Miss Bus Driver, Sara's sick!" and look up to see a tear-stained little face peeking out from over a seat. Crap. all I could think was that this child was going to throw up on the bus, and I didn't know how to clean the thing out. Poor kid was looking to me for help, and all I can do is worry, move her to the seat behind me, and listen to her sob. Bless her heart, she made it home.

But the best, and most disturbing, thing was that the older kids all looked like they were behaving from the shoulders up, but behind the seats there was utter anarchy. Anarchy!! Now, I didn't find out about all this until much later, but my seemingly well-behaved dearies were back there cussing each other out, flipping each other off, and goodness knows what else. Heathens. I felt responsible, but really how is a driver supposed to catch these things? They're in their seats, they're not throwing things, they're not mooning passing traffic, and they're quieter than the kinders... *sigh*

To make up for it, I had one of the itty-bitties run up to me clutching a sweaty handful of dandelions. "Miss Bus Driver Lady! These are for you." Awww...

I'm all ferklempt.

Kinder Confusion

2006-10-31T19:27:00.000-05:00

I don't know about any other subs out there, but I sometimes fill in as as an office worker... or phone and question anwerer, if you will (Not to belittle any office worker, but as a sub, that's all you do for the entire day). The questions tend come from the students so they are always far more interesting than any ol' phone calls. Also, the nurse's office is near where I'm posted, so I get my fair share of Boo-boo Routing. Here are the highlights: Most of the "sick" kids come through with a need for a band-aid or chapstick or what have you (man those kiddies go through some chapstick! Yo, Stop Licking Your Lips!!). Nothing too major. But then this little green child comes in. Green, I tell you.

"Honey, are you sick?" (You see, as a Southerner, I get to call people Honey, Baby, and Darlin' without irony)
Nods.
"Are you going to throw up?"
Nods.
"Do you want a trash can while you wait for the nurse?"
Shakes head no.
"Hmmm. Wrong answer. Let me rephrase. Here's your trash can to throw up in while you wait for the nurse."
Green child throws up in offered trash can.
"Thank you."

Then there was Miss Chatty. She comes in while the nurse is out for a minute (What is it with these kids? It's like they can sense the second the poor nurse steps out, and pick that moment to start bleeding), and sits in her room to wait. Two seconds later:

"Don't my parents know you?"
"What? Who are your parents?"
"Bob and Sue. You know them."
"I don't think I do. Why don't you go back to wait for the nurse?"
"Ok."

Thirty seconds later:

"What about Steve and Carol? You've gotta know them."
"No, baby, I don't."
"But they knoooow you!"
"Go sit down."
"Ok."

One minute later:

"I know..."
"Look! It's Nurse Lewis!"

While Miss Chatty was distracted, I ran away doing my best arms-akimbo-Jack-Sparrow-running impersonation.

But the best one, was a poor kindergartener who could barely see over the counter. She comes in, wafting cuteness, and tells me that she doesn't know what bus she's supposed to be riding.

"What bus do you usually ride?"
"The one that takes me home. But I have a note to go to Grandma's today."
"Honey, this says you need to ride the green bus."

See, the itty-bitties can't remember bus numbers, so each bus has a color assigned to it. They're all the regular yellow buses in all actuality, but there are colored cards taped on the doors so the kids can tell them apart. So there are: black, red, green, pink, cerulean, and blackwatch plaid buses. This is why I totally understood the kinder's confusion as she looked at me like I'd lost my mind and wailed:

"BUT THEY'RE ALL YELLOW!!"

Bus Driver Training

2006-10-20T19:27:00.000-05:00

OK. So here are the bus driving details I promised:

I hit curbs.

That's it. Other than the whole determined-to-run-over-every-curb-in-the-county thing, I am a perfect driver. And as far as I remember, having a bus driver who hit curbs was a benefit when I was in school. You get to sit in the back (if you're cool enough, or quick enough to beat out the cool kids) and bounce nearly to the roof when the driver runs over one of those puppies. It was like a fun schoolday bonus. So me hitting curbs isn't actually a shortcoming, is it? It's really a plus. I'm adding joy to the lives of the poor little dearies!

This did make for a bit of a stressful training, though. We had to do quite a lot of driving in a teensy-tiny downtown area. You know the kind: one lane roads that the ever-so-intelligent local government has determined is somehow capable of accomodating 2-way traffic. Add to this scenario a ginormous yellow school bus, lines of cars parallel parked along the side of the road, and a freaked-out curb-hitting newbie driver. Stir. Bake at 350, and let the carnage begin.

Woo Hoo!

Go round and round...

2006-10-17T22:12:00.000-05:00

Okay. Ever since that last post I can't get that "Wheels on the Bus" song out of my head. I've been trying to remember some of the lyrics. I think it goes something like this:

The wheels on the bus go round and round,
Round and round,
Round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
All through town.

The wipers on the bus go 'swish swish swish'...

The mommies on the bus go 'shh shh shh'... (Not sure why there are mommies on the bus, but I distinctly remember that line. No, it's real. I didn't make it up! Shut up!!)

The horn on the bus goes 'beep beep beep'...

The driver on the bus goes 'you better sit your butt down in a seat mister before I pull this bus over I don't care what seat just pick one and I saw that gesture so you might as well just walk straight to the office when we get to school!'

See, I remembered it.

Anyways, I finished my bus driver training and I will tell you all about it. Soon. After I catch up on my sleep.

The Wheels on the Bus

2006-10-06T22:44:00.000-05:00

So last week I started the much-anticipated School Bus Driver training. This was actually just the classroon learnin' part, I don't start driving until next week. That's when the really frightening fun begins!

So at this point all I have is a head full of pretty useless statistics... you know the kind. Stuff that enables you to be the armchair Jeopardy! and Trivial Pursuit master that you are... except bus-related. In other words, I now know the sort of crap that is of absolutely no practical use in the real world. I can tell you the amount of tread bus tires are required to have, at what psi the air compressor governor kicks on and off, and I can recite the parts of the braking system. But what I really need to know is stuff like: How do I keep a kid from throwing up so I don't have to hose down the bus? When do I grow those much-needed eyes in the back of my head? And what do I do if/when I knock down a stop sign?

At least the classes are interesting, and full of fun people. My fellow wannabe-drivers are all teachers, coaches, subs, and custodians. In other words, we all have that special brand of insanity that's needed to deal with the kiddies on a regular basis. In other other words... the instructor is having a bit of a problem keeping the peanut gallery in check. Because we're all the peanut gallery. Much of the class goes like this:

Instructor: "...And this is the slack adjuster."

High School Teacher: "Slack adjuster? I need one of those in my classroom."

Football Coach: "What so you mean? That's your job."

HS Teacher: "Huh?"

Coach: "Dude, you're the slack adjuster!"

Instructor: "Ahem... so if it needs fixing, the mechanic will adjust the nut."

Me: "See, all you have to do is find the main nut and do a little adjusting."

There's always one in every class. This poor instructor has about 10.

It's about time!

2006-09-20T16:41:00.000-05:00

Isn't it funny how sometimes it takes putting yourself physically into a situation for memories to come flooding back? Like it takes going back to your Grandparent's old house to recall that big scary wardrobe that you used to be scared to death of, convinced that something big and hairy with lots of horns and drool would jump out of it at night.

Well, I got on a school bus this last week for the first time in, uh, about 14 years. It was weird. I sat there in a bit of a stupor, just smelling the bus-smell, and remembering how it felt to dodge flying books and insults on a daily basis.

But there was also a part of me that was oddly comforted. Buses smell the same. Kids still sit in the back and sing popular songs off-key. And I can still scrunch down in the seat so my knees are perched on the seatback in front of me and my feet are dangling off the floor. And that's still a comfortable posistion to sit in. All I needed was someone to play "Miss Mary Mack" with me.

I guess I should clarify that I wasn't driving the bus, this was during a field trip. I had been called in to sub for a class of itty-bitties that was planning to leave school grounds during the day. There were specific directions left for me. When we would leave, where the activity bus would be picking us up and letting us off, what we were to be doing, when we would be back, how I should tie my shoelaces, and what songs we should sing as a group during the trip. Maybe they weren't that specific, but I had in front of me the best and most thorough sub-plans I had ever recieved. Unfortunately, they were all wrong.

Before it was time to leave, a member of the administration visited the classroom where he heard about our little jaunt. Here is what I learned: It's illegal for a sub to take students off school grounds. Did you know this? I did not know this. This is a necessary info, people. You need to know something like this before you commit 25 counts of felony kidnapping! Needless to say, I made sure that Admin. knew of my ignorance. Hey, better ignorant than fired and incarcerated.

After this U-turn in my day, I'm scrambling around trying to figure out what to do with this class since my erstwhile "perfect" sub-plans had just died a fiery death, when the regular teacher calls to check in. I'm going to skip a lot of details here, because this was an uncomfortable and very stressful day. Here it is in a nutshell:

Real Teacher comes in to ensure the legal operation of the field trip.
At place-o-fun, Real Teacher is MIA.
Discover only through eavesdropping that Real Teacher has left the premises without telling me.
Return to school sans one adult and have to tattle to Administration.
Feel like a vindictive fink.

The really interesting thing here is that the only enjoyable part of the day... was the children. They were little cherubs. If they had been hateful ankle-biting heathens, I might have gone AWOL along with Real Teacher, and left the bus driver to deal. Hmmmm... I wonder if that's the sort of thing I have to look forward to...

Bored bored borrrrrred

2006-09-15T17:44:00.000-05:00

I have recieved no sub calls this week, or last week for that matter. What is wrong with these people? Don't they get sick?!? So in lieu of actually being a productive member of society, I have turned into The Incredible Sleeping Woman.

It's a sloth!
It's a chaise lounge!
NO! It's Sleeping Woman!!

Da daa daaaa!!!!

You might be thinking that I exaggerate, that I can't really have been as lazy as all that, but I assure you that I have been living an utterly and totally couch-potato-like existance. I've surfed the internet, read loads and loads of blogs (there are some real weirdos out there!), and watched every episode of Law & Order (even SVU and CI) known to man. OK, so I do occassionally get off my butt to run errands, but all this accomplishes is to bring me in contact with students, former students, and parents of students who ask me about my *ahem* "teaching career". This of course only serves to depress me, sending me running back to my precious couch where I channel surf until I find yet another episode of L&O.

It's a viscious circle.

To break this personal Catch-22 I will soon be beginning a new job. Are you ready? Starting next month, in addition to subbing I will also be a...

Bus Driver. Woo Hoo!

Frightening? I think so, but I figure that it's a steady paycheck, I'll have even more to write about, and if the little snots get on my nerves too much I can just put them out on the side of the road. Now, don't be sending me hate mail about the safety of our children. I'll be driving High Schoolers and I know full well that those people are able to fend for themselves out in the wild.

Stay tuned...

Welcome to my new home!

2006-09-07T17:54:00.000-05:00

Subsister: (sub sist'er) n.

one who lives through affliction

Sub-Sister: (sub' sist er) n.

female substitute teacher; "sister-in-arms"

Just thought you should know. After all, it is my job to educate ;)

Ernesto Blew

2006-09-02T22:38:00.000-05:00

Actually, he did more raining than anything. Hard rain. Rain that kept me awake all night long. Stupid rain.

For anyone who's managed to miss the joy, we here on the east coast of the U.S. have had our first tropical-storm-could-grow-up-to-be-a-hurricane of the season. These little squalls are always fun to watch. The news crews go absolutely berserk and panicky, even the local crews who should know better by now, the locals wave 'bye-bye' as the tourists run for the hills, and some places had mandatory evacuations. The main point to remember is: The Tourists Left. Hallelujah!

This morning, I went to Food Lion and didn't have to play bumper carts with the 25 other people crammed into the same aisles, AND I got to pick the kind of cereal I wanted instead of having to take the battered box of Frosted Wheaty-O's that happened to be the only thing left on the shelves. Bliss.

Truthfully, there was only one downside to Ernesto (and there's only one because it doesn't bother me to miss a night of sleep every once in a while), and it was that I missed a day of work. The schools had to close due to the copious amounts of rainwater flooding the streets. Heck, my house had a moat. It was cool.

But I missed a sub-day! My first day as a Middle School sub. I was looking forward to it... and the money. Yep. Ernesto blew.

Happy Birthday to ME!

2006-08-22T15:44:00.000-05:00

In the very recent past, I celebrated my 30th year upon this earth. I'm a little weirded out by this. Now, I've never been the kind of girl who is anything but utterly thrilled by Birthday time. What's not to love? There's cake, you get serenaded, you can be more demanding than normal, and people bring you stuff! Tell me people, what is not to like?

But this year is different. Let me 'splain what the problem is. You see, it took me a good 29 years to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now that I know, I want to get on with it. So not only did it take me for freakin' ever to figure out that I wanted to be a teacher, now I have to contend with the threat of imminent old-age hanging over my head, cramping my procrastination-style. I want to teach NOW. I must teach while I can still be considered cool by students. I don't want to start out being the crotchety old bespectacled matriarchal grandma teacher!

It seems, however, that my dream of teacher-awesomeness is not to be this year. School starts next week and I haven't heard from any of the school systems I applied for. *sigh* Oh well, I guess I shall just have to continue being the Coolest Substitute Teacher in the area. Seriously. I heard through the local grapevine that one of my kids went home and told her mom about my substitute-fantabulousness after I had been thrust upon her class one day last school year.

It's just so tiring being me.

But maybe that's just the age talking... :)

England and Italy Photos: Part Deux

2006-08-02T22:58:00.000-05:00

Venetian sunset. *sigh*

Aren't these Smart cars just the cutest things you've ever seen?!? We were going to try and sneak one onto the plane, figuring that one would fit nicely in one of our backpacks. Unfortunately, the car was left behind in favor of a few more tacky souvenirs. Who needs another car when they could tote a bunch of little Leaning Tower figurines home?

And speaking of...

Can you spot the tourists? I was lazy-girl, and sat in the nice shady grass while my travel buddies hiked up the tipsy tower.

England and Italy Photos

2006-07-31T22:00:00.000-05:00

Here they are, the long-awaited and much-anticipated photos of my recent trip to London and Italy. Well, mostly of Italy as I somehow managed to lose a bunch of England pics off of my digital camera. Oh well, they're gorgeous. Gorgeous, I tell you!

They go well with my brand spankin' new Harry Potter-ish background I've got going on here. There are a few things that still don't look quite right, but I'm working on it as we speak.

Drum roll.....

It was HUMID in London at the end of the trip. I was dripping sweat and seriously contemplated jumping in this fountain at Trafalgar Square with all the little childrens.

You always hear how blue blue blue the water is in... well, anywhere other than here. It is so freaking true! This is the Italian coast at the villages of the Cinque Terra.

102 Things Meme

2006-07-14T00:18:00.000-05:00

I know that 102 is an odd number, but it was originally 150 and I tried to pare it down to 100. I almost made it. I know I promised pictures of the Italy/UK trip, but I'm visiting the hometown and am away from my copious amounts of photos. However, I can't sleep... so I have to do something to occupy my time :) I stole this from Coffee Crochet, who borrowed it from someone else (bloggers are so generous!!) And while some people have merely been highlighting what they've done, I need to fill in the long nighttime hours that are ahead, so you're gonna get explanations, Baby!

Have You Ever:
1. . Bought everyone in the bar a drink - I'll give you a call when I win the lottery.
2. . Climbed a mountain - A tiny North Carolinian one.
3. . Taken a Ferrari for a test drive - I have never test-driven anything cooler than a... well, I've never driven anything cool.
4. . Held a tarantula - Oddly, Yes.
5. . Said ‘I love you’ and meant it - Yes. Daily!
6. . Hugged a tree - Yes... I was a weird teenager.
7. . Bungee jumped - No, but I'd ike to think that I would.
8. . Visited Paris - Yep.
9. . Watched a lightning storm at sea - Yes. Awesome sight.
10. . Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise - Yes. In my younger days ;)
11. . Seen the Northern Lights - No, but I think I should. Anyone want to come with? Let's go.
12. . Gone to a huge sports game - Not really, just college level.
13. . Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa - No, but I watched my friends do it!
14. . Grown and eaten your own vegetables - I kill things, I don't cause them to grow.
15. . Slept under the stars - Yes.
16. . Changed a baby’s diaper - Yes. Is that unusual?!
17. . Taken a trip in a hot air balloon - No, but I'd love to. We get them around here every once in a while, and I turn into a little kid, waving and grinning.
18. . Watched a meteor shower - Yes. Would have watched longer if it hadn't been for the mosquitoes. Stupid southern summers.
19. . Looked up at the night sky through a telescope - Yes. It's called Astronomy Class. But since I got a "D", I don't think I knew what I was looking at.
20. . Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment - Inevitably! Funerals are my forte.
21. . Had a food fight - No. I feel as though I had a deprived childhood.
22. . Asked out a stranger - No. I'm waaaay too shy for that!
23. . Had a snowball fight - Yes. It was all fun and games until someone put their eye out. Kidding! Kind of.
24. . Screamed as loudly as you possibly can - No, but I do have nightmares where I'm being chased and I CAN'T scream. Maybe I should sometime to hear what I can do.
25. . Seen a total eclipse - Yes.
26. . Ridden a roller coaster - Rode my first upside-down loopty-loop one when I was 24. I now love them.
27. . Hit a home run - Ha! Please! I was lucky when I managed not to hurt myself in gym. Home run... *snort*
28. . Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking - Every time I dance.
29. . Adopted an accent for an entire day - Not intentionally...
30. . Visited all 50 states - Only about 25 of 'em.
31. . Taken care of someone who was drunk - Unfortunately, yes. If you call watching them lay down on the sidewalk and be sick "taking care".
32. . Had amazing friends - Yes!
33. . Danced with a stranger in a foreign country - Yes. I salsa danced with a nice man in Paris who seemed very interested in my backside. Amazingly, I only danced one dance with him.
34. . Watched wild whales - No. I've been told you can see them off the N.C. coast, but I haven't seen any.
35. . Stolen a sign - Hmmm... does an orange construction cone count?
36. . Backpacked in Europe - Yes!
37. . Taken a road-trip - Ditto.
38. . Gone rock climbing - I've done some difficult scrambling.
39. . Midnight walk on the beach - No.
40. . Gone sky diving - Oh, no no no!
41. . In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them - Yes. I can be right friendly-like!
42. . Milked a cow - No. Be willing to give it a shot...
43. . Alphabetized your cds - What? And ruin the joy of flipping through all 300 cd's to find that one elusive track?
44. . Pretended to be a superhero - I used to be Wonder Woman when I was little.
45. . Sung karaoke - No. But I do sing solos in church on occasion.
46. . Lounged around in bed all day - Yep.
47. . Gone scuba diving - No. Not sure I'd like that.
48. . Kissed in the rain - No! I've been deprived! DEPRIVED, I tell you!
49. . Played in the mud - Oh fine... this, I've done.
50. . Gone to a drive-in theater - Saw re-released Grease.
51. . Toured ancient sites - I'm normally opposed to organized sightseeing, but getting a tour of the Colosseum and Forum in Rome is well worth it.
52. . Taken a martial arts class - No.
53. . Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight - Even I'm not that nerdy. Bless.
54. . Gotten married - Nope.
55. . Been in a movie - Not that I know of!
56. . Crashed a party - Yes. I frequently invite myself places.
57. . Made cookies from scratch - Yes!
58. . Ridden a gondola in Venice - Yes, but I couldn't get anyone to make out with me, which I thought was a requisite on one of those things.
59. . Gotten a tattoo - Yes.
60. . Been on television news programs as an “expert” - Ooh! What could I be an expert of? Crocheting? Scrapbooking? Reading? Staring off into space?
61. . Got flowers for no reason - No... how sad...
62. . Performed on stage - Yes. Made myself join Drama class in High School to try and combat some of my overwhelming shyness.
63. . Gone to Thailand - No, but it's on my list!
64. . Bought a house - No. I'm more of a Condo person.
65. . Been on a cruise ship - Oh, my stars! NO!
66. . Spoken more than one language fluently - Ha! I can't even speak English fluently half the time.
67. . Performed in Rocky Horror. - I was very nearly Magenta once.
68. . Followed your favorite band/singer on tour - No.
69. . Picked up and moved to another city to just start over - No... but I would.
70. . Walked the Golden Gate Bridge - No.
71. . Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking - Daily.
72. . Had plastic surgery - No.
73. . Wrote articles for a large publication - Nope.
74. . Piloted an airplane - I will before I die.
75. . Petted a stingray - Yes.
76. . Broken someone’s heart - Not as far as I know! If I did, I'm so sorry!
77. . Broken a bone - No. Sprained quite a few things, though.
78. . Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced - No, but I'm not particularly opposed.
79. . Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol - Yes.
80. . Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild - No. I like my fungus fresh from the grocery, and full of insecticides.
81. . Ridden a horse - No. Deprived!
82. . Had major surgery - No.
83. . Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon - No, but I looked at it. It looked lovely.
84. . Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours - I wouldn't doubt it.
85. . Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days - No, but I would love to!
86. . Eaten sushi - Ew.
87. . Had your picture in the newspaper - Not since I was about 5.
88. . Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about - If I did, they didn't let me know.
89. . Gone back to school - Yes!
90. . Parasailed - I will someday.
91. . Eaten fried green tomatoes - No. I'm a bad Southerner, aren't I?
92. . Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey - Yes. Thank you English degree.
93. . Skipped all your school reunions - Actually, I think I've been to all the get-togethers.
94. . Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language - I am the master of foreign-language charades.
95. . Been elected to public office - Was Drama Club Prez. in high school... does that count?
96. . Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream - Who does this?!?
97. . Built your own PC from parts - I'm counting the rebuild (new mobo, cpu, fan, etc) I'm working on now as a "yes".
98. . Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you - Yes.
99. . Dyed your hair - Ha! Frequently.
100. . Been a DJ - No.
101. . Shaved your head - No, but I think I'd consider it... ;)
102. . Caused a car accident - Caused? No. Been in? Too many.

And there you have it, Ladies and Gentleman. Enjoy.

Months of work ruined!

2006-07-03T19:09:00.000-05:00

Although my recent trip overseas was wonderful, I have found that there is one negative residual effect. You see, I worked for months developing an efficient "teacher's bladder"; that strange physical phenomenon that allows teachers to go for hours and hours without needing to visit the facilities. Because, as you surely know, it is not a good thing to have to leave a classroom full of kids... of any age.

Well, anyone who has ever been to Europe will tell you that going to the restroom anytime you can find one is a good idea. Public toilet? Let's go. One euro? I'll gladly fork it over. Free? Sweet! It doesn't matter whether or not you actually have to go. You will definitely have to sometime in the future, and there won't be a toilet anywhere nearby at that point. BUT if you go now... maybe you won't find yourself doing the pee-pee dance in the streets of Verona, hoping that the surly newsagent will have mercy on your non-italian-speaking soul.

So after three weeks of spur of the moment pottying, I have lost the ability to exert any control over my own body. My "teacher bladder" is now Pavlovian. Anytime I near a toilet, I have to go. If I even enter the kitchen, knowing that the bathroom is in the next room makes a trip neccessary.

I have roughly 2 months to get this thing under control! I can't start school like this. Rather than having that nightmare where you're naked in public, I keep having one where I'm forced to leave a class of mischevious teenagers to make an emergency bathroom run. When I return, half the class is gone, and the remaining kids are taking turns battering the class nerd whom they've managed to hog-tie and string up from the lighting. I wake up in a cold sweat every time ;)

Touristy Tourists.

2006-05-30T11:50:00.000-05:00

Y'know, I used to be disdainful of all the fannypack-wearing, sunvisor-sporting tourist pack (oh yeah, and those lovely document pouches that hang around your neck for easy passport access at the airport). I hated them. They were an embarrassment to those of us who were so careful to try and immerse ourselves in a country, who made an effort NOT to look like a touristy shlub. But the older I get, the more... well... willing I am to look like an idiot in the name of comfort. Total cheapness (and therefore "authenticity") is no longer the most important aspect of travelling.

For example, earlier today I found it well worth the extra £3 to ride closer to the hostel rather than have to trek there on foot. Notice that I did however say "hostel". Cheap is still a good thing!

I've also noticed that things hurt alot more than the last time I was in England. My feet hurt. My knee hurts. I feel the need for a nap. These are all recent developments. I am officially the dreaded and much-ridiculed Old Backpacker.

I even own one of those document pouches with the neck strap.

I found me a man!

2006-05-25T08:43:00.000-05:00

One of the fourth-graders has a crush on me. Bless :) This is yet another first for me, and I must admit that it weirds me out a little. I keep feeling eyes on me, look around thinking that a student needs help, only to find the dear boy staring at me with googly eyes. Seriously! Big ol' gooey, love-filled, puppydog eyes! One of the girls in the class even whispered to me, "He really likes you!" Ha! I just smiled and sent her back to her desk.

So... should I just ignore this little Romeo, or what? And do male elementary teachers get this, too?

Well, I'm off this weekend to England and Italy. Woo Hoo! Maybe I'll get a post up while I'm gone, but I somehow doubt it. I plan on being very very busy! But I'll definitely have cool pics when I get back.

I very nearly cried...

2006-05-16T19:04:00.000-05:00

Today was one of those sub-days that pulled at my heart strings, and reinforced my decision to teach full-time as soon as I can.

I had a third-grade class for the second half-day in a row, which means that I've gotten most of their names down... at least enough that I can look in the correct general direction when I call their names. They're good kids. I come off the elevator (What can I say? If I'm not with students, I'm taking the easy way out and saving my poor knees) and the class is lined up in the hallway on the way to lunch. Commence the squealing: "There she is!" and "Yay"s, and much reaching up of sticky hands for high-fives and hugging around my middle. I felt like a rock-star.

Later during reading time, one of the girls brings up an article about last year's American Idol winner, Carrie Underwood, and states in an awe-hushed voice: "She's even prettier than you!" Now, I take this as a grand compliment as I look absolutely NOTHING like Miss Underwood. And the thought that this student would find it awe-inspiring that anyone should be prettier than me is... well, ego-boosting, to say the least.

So the little dears have sufficiently softened me up.

What made me all teary (and I may still cry about it before the day is through) is what happened to a little boy in the class. We'll call him John. John has physical difficulties that make it necessary for him to use a walker most of the time, though he can walk without it... which is scary because he seems so much more unstable. The drill is: enter classroom, park walker in corner, and walk to desk. But something happened at the desk. I hear a noise, turn around and see John lying face down on the floor. The rest of the class is calm. They've seen this before. I walk (calmly, but with BIG strides) to John, kneel down and ask him quietly if he's OK. He looks at me with tears streaming, nods, and hides his face. I ask him if he needs to stay there for a second. Another nod. So, with a massive lump in my throat, I get the class to work quickly, and go back to John, who's gotten himself in a sitting position. He doesn't want the nurse, or the other teacher who helps him, and he has to tell me how to pick him up.

I know he was embarrassed. And I was shaken. But I was impressed with the rest of the class being so calm. If they had made a big deal, then the situation could have been so much worse.

But that's not all. John fell again at recess. This time it was just me, him, and another student with some physical difficulties, so it wasn't so bad. I was actually able to make him laugh. But I was still teary. You just want to take them home with you and stuff 'em full of chocolate milk and cookies to make it all better.

The funniest thing I have ever heard.

2006-05-04T13:48:00.000-05:00

I subbed in a 2nd grade class the other day, and much like the 1st graders that KauaiMark realized are really "old" Kindergarteners, 2nd graders are only "old" 1sts. Apparently, kids don't start calming down until around 3rd grade, so these kids were full of energy. And sticky. Why are they always sticky, and why do they always want to hold your hand? I left school, went home, washed my hands thrice, and took a loooong nap.

But this class did something that nearly made me fall out of my chair. After this happened, I would dissolve into giggles for the next few days at the mere memory of this.

Okay. I had to drop the kids off at music, but when we went in the teacher wasn't there. No biggie. I had them sit on the risers, and asked them about the things they had been learning about music. While another teacher went in search of Ms. Music, I played them a few songs on the keyboard while they marched around the room and clapped their hands to the rhythm. Pretty average 7/8 year old stuff, right? Well, then they ask me if they can sing me a song. Great! How fun and cute. They then all huddle together to come to a consensus on which song will best show their musical talents. Much quicker than I would have thought possible for a group of 2nd graders, they solemnly line up on the risers, and commence with the singing.

Not "Twinkle, Twinkle". Not "I'm Bringing Home A Baby Bumblebee". Not even a jaunty Disney tune. No. They break out the Green Day.

Green Day.

"American Idiot".

They actually got through a chorus and part of a verse:

Don't want to be an American idiot.

One nation controlled by the media.

Information age of hysteria.

It's calling out to idiot America.

Welcome to a new kind of tension.

All across the alien nation... mumble mumble...

(Feet shuffling)

I don't think I've ever been so amused in my whole life.

Spring break sucks.

2006-04-20T16:39:00.000-05:00

I never thought that I would consider Easter Vacation (aka Spring Break to you young'uns) anything but a wonderful time of freedom and sleep. I've never been much of a party animal, so I always did alot of sleeping on my breaks.

But as a sub... spring break sucks my big toe. Not only is there no chance of earning any income during this week, but I was also out of luck during the past 2 weeks, too. You see, no "real" teacher takes time off right before a big break.So I went from working every day (Yay!!) to not working at all (Hiss...booo...).

So during my *ahem* downtime, I thought I'd recount some of the things that have happened in Sub-Land recently:

Let's see.. there's the always popular "Tornado Drill" that occurred at the Elementary school. I must admit that the kids were great, because I didn't have a clue what was going on. All I know is that a weird siren went off (my ingrained American-ness told me that it was NOT a fire alarm), and, in the middle of my "What's that?", I looked around to find all the kiddies in a PERFECTLY QUIET, STILL LINE. You could have knocked me over with a feather. One of the dears whispered "tornado drill" to me as she passed by on the way out the door. Then they all solemnly knelt on the floor, put their hands over their heads, and stuck their butts in the air.

Now. As great as they had been during that incident, they had been little heathen children before that... so my question is: How does a teacher resist the temptation of all those proffered backsides? Really. How do you not give out a smack or two? Just once. And only if they really deserve it... ;)

Then there was the "Drug Raid" at the High School. Yes, you read that right... we were sequestered for entirely too long in a little room while loads of police officers searched lockers and cars with dogs. Now, this would not have been very interesting if it weren't for the fact that the room I was in had a direct view of the parking lot. So I couldn't get the students away from the drama unfolding outside. So I gave up. I let them all stand there with their noses pressed against the glass. Every once in a while one of them would turn around and give me an excited update about the goings-on:

"I think they found something!"

"They should check ____'s car. I KNOW they'd find stuff in there!"

"Is that a gun?"

"See that cop right there? He's bad*ss. The rest of 'em are dorks."

And so on and so forth. The funny part was that as soon as we were allowed to release the students to change classes... there was a mass exodus to the parking lot. Yep, some of the darlings decided to run out and move their cars before they could be caught... when, in reality, all they did was draw attention to themselves. They might as well have shouted, "Over here! Search my car!!!" Needless to say, they were followed, searched, and prosecuted. I know this shouldn't be amusing, but it is. I can't help it :)

And last but not least... there was the class without a class. I was sailing through a pretty successful sub day at the High School (frustration, but nobody was bleeding or throwing up) when the bell rang and I had no students. I checked the schedule... a small class of about 8, but there should have been people there. So I did a little calling around, and... every blessed one was absent for one reason or another. All of them. I actually had a free period! I don't think I'd had one up to that point, because I've discovered that teachers' "free periods" are anything but. They are filled with hall monitor duties, lunchroom duty, random kids dropping by for a chat, etc. But I actually had a huge chunk of time to myself! I read, I surfed the internet, I watched teachers rush past my door and shoot me nasty looks of envy. It was great.

However, I have now had enough "free time" to suit me for a while. Now I want to work. I feel a little guilty waiting for someone to get sick so I can sub for them... but here's hoping!

Do they think I don't know what it is?

2006-03-22T12:39:00.000-05:00

I am sooo bored. It's only 8:15. I'm doing what I'll be doing for the next seven hours: watching teenagers draw variations on the theme "pot leaf". Do you think they actually believe they're being cool and different by repeatedly drawing the same thing over and over that the rest of their classmates are also drawing over and over? I think they do... simply because it's an illegal substance.

I know this isn't an epiphany to any parent or teacher, but I'm new to this, so I only recently discovered that.. all High School students share the same brain. Yes. It's true. In reality they are all hooked to one sad, barely-functioning brain like in some cheesy sci-fi movie. I love cheesy sci-fi movies, by the way, just not when they come to life and stare out at me with blank looks from neatly lined-up desks.

Of course, I'd like to think that my friends and I were high-functioning and reasoning creatures at that age, but I'd only be lying to myself. I still remember all the times we would dissolve into uncontrollable laughter because we were "thinking the exact same thing"... like it was a miracle. Oh, the embarrassment.

Anyway, I'm stuck here babysitting. There are no lesson plans, no teacher books, no notes, not even an illegibly scribbled post-it (I got one of those once). Heck, I didn't even have a list of what students I was supposed to have until another teacher wrote their names down for me! And all of the kids are working on different subjects. How does one teach when six kids are studying algebra, three are remedial math, two are World History, and one is studying English? Nevermind me... how are the STUDENTS supposed to learn?!?

But since there are no lesson plans, all that is moot. I don't know what they're supposed to be doing and they (understandably) won't actually tell me. So they're playing computer games... and drawing pot leaves.

Oh! I just saw one pull out a textbook! Wait... he's just using it for a pillow. *sigh*

I want my own class. I solemnly promise to never do this to a sub.

Next time I'm bringing my knitting

2006-03-10T12:42:00.000-05:00

Two weeks ago, I had to teach on a Saturday (We has missed a day earlier due to "inclement weather"). No one wants to be in school on the weekend, not the kids, and certainly not the adults. There were people shuffling throught the halls in their jammies and fluffy slippers. There was no learning. There were no discussions. There was MTV, and the occasional grunt that passed as verbalization. I thought the day would never end. I thought it was the longest day of my life.

I was wrong.

Today I am a "resource teacher". And what would that be? To be honest, I didn't even know until I had been in the room for two hours. After I had watched my one student play computer games for said two hours. But after I found someone with the answers, well I was off and running!

Turns out, a "resource teacher" is basically a tutor. Students come in and get help with whatever subjects/projects they need help with. This is great for a regular teacher, but for a substitute this class translates into: sit and watch 0-5 students play Skip-Bo and Uno for the entire day.

Did you catch that?

The Entire Day.

I did actually have a lesson plan of sorts. Trying to decipher it helped fill some of those long hours. I copied it down so I could share the joy (changing pertinent info, of course):
1A/B
MB
Biology - homework, reading
English - vocab, writing
KL
English - vocab
1B
AR
Research paper
2A/B
DW
Paper
History - homework, reading
GR
English
Math
3A/B
Alg - homework
English - grammar, vocab

When, for some inexplicable reason, I managed to screw up my "schedule" and didn't show up someplace I was supposed to be... a teacher told me off! LOL High School is not my friend.

Who are you today?

2006-02-22T23:59:00.000-05:00

I've been substitute teaching for the past month, and every day I get asked who I "am" for the day. Makes me feel like a celebrity impersonator.

I so wish I had the nerve to write about some of the stuff I've experienced.

OK. I just scrounged up that nerve. I need to share with someone.

My "favorite" day so far was in the HS math classes I recently had. First off: algebra. No biggie. I had algebra. 16 years ago. It'll come back to me. And Lo and Behold! It did come back. At least, I think it did... then again, I may have screwed up those kids' views on exponents for the rest of their lives.

Next up: trigonometry. I had trig. 15 or so years ago. I don't think it ever really sunk in. I scan the book... sine, cosine, cotangent. Blurgh?!? Cue the start of class: "Your assignment is on the board. You may work quietly in groups. If you have any questions... ask your neighbor 'cause I can't help you." I know, I know. I committed the cardinal sin of subbing: "never admit you don't know what you're doing", but you can't BS your way through a math lesson. They ended up being a good class. Talkative, but I did give them permission, after all.

Lastly: calculus. Never made it that far. At least it's a class of seniors, and it's small. Glad I brought a book with me.

I have these same classes later this week. Yay! Yet another opportunity to feel utterly uneducated and ill-prepared!

One thing great about this whole subbing business: never a dull day. A few dull class periods here and there, but when you have high school one day and 5-year-olds the next...wheeeee!!!!

MIB, baby!

2006-02-06T15:03:00.000-05:00

J: "Why the big secret? People are smart, they can handle it."

K: "A *person* is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it."

-MIB (1997)

I love this line. Who would think to find such a nugget of truth in such a silly little movie? Nothing like peer pressure and people without two brain cells to rub together to incite group stupidity and violence. Wondering what I'm talking about? Google "Muhammad cartoon". Dangerous animals indeed...

I been learnin' stuff!

2006-02-05T23:03:00.000-05:00

If nothing else, this blog has encouraged me to keep up with my current events. I've been reading ALL of the newspaper every day instead of just picking up the pop culture/Dear Abby/comics section, all so I can have interesting topics to post here.

So what have I decided to talk about today? Is it the ridiculously overblown uproar over those Danish Muhammad cartoons? How about the recent passing of Coretta Scott King? Or the death of Betty Friedan, whose book "The Feminine Mystique" was so influential in the fight for women's rights? I even started an entry on Bush's recent State of the Union address, but I just couldn't find it in myself to be interested for more than 3 minutes. But I eventually found a subject that was well worth my time and this space. A subject of more than passing fancy, of earth-shattering consequence, of total personal amusement.

Yes. William Shatner. What has. The king of halting. Speech and self-depricating humor done that is so astonishing? Bill passed a kidney stone. Eeewww... But the really interesting thing is that he decided to auction it off. No, I take that back. The REALLY interesting thing is that someone actually bought that sucker. For the total sum of... are you sitting down... $75,000 (one source said $25,000, but either is entirely too much)!! Okay, so the money goes to charity (Habitat for Humanity), but... c'mon! If you have an extra 75 grand just burning a hole in your pocket, then I'd be more than happy to take it off your hands. Granted, I don't have a nifty cool kidney stone to give you in return, but I could scrounge up a cool lock of hair. Or some fingernail clippings. Ooh! I've got it! I've been fighting off a sinus infection for almost four months, and it's finally breaking up, so you can just imagine the interesting sort of things that I could... um... produce ;) All well worth your gobs of spare change!

And the snozzberries taste like snozzberries!

2006-01-23T20:08:00.000-05:00

This is the wall of M&Ms in M&M World, Vegas. There is little that makes me happier than those candy covered chocolates! Hey, Deb... do you mind if I post a pic of your backside on the web? ;)

What the?!?

2006-01-23T20:04:00.001-05:00

Inevitable! You just can't escape the golden arches...

Look Ma, no hands!

2006-01-23T20:04:00.000-05:00

Deb and I sat on the edge of a cliff to get a better view. Ma had a motherly hissy fit at the thought of me falling. Then she decided she would just let me lay on the canyon floor since I was so rash as to sit so close to the edge. Thanks, Ma ;) Oh yeah, I'm the orthopedic-looking deals on the left.

The ranger called it "The Big Crack"

2006-01-23T20:00:00.000-05:00

Grand Canyon pics!! I like this one through the trees. The sun was just starting to set, and the colors were changing by the minute. Gorgeous!

A rose by any other name...

2006-01-21T00:21:00.000-05:00

So what's with the blog name? Well, if I were any animal, I would be a magpie: easily distracted, constantly "collecting" random crap, and if it's sparkly... forget it, I've lost all track of what I was originally doing.

I did spend an inordinate amount of time trying to name this puppy. More time than I can usually concentrate on one task, but this is an important, life-altering decision! The wrong name would result in Blog-Chaos! Anarchy! Utter Messiness!! Originally, I was going to use one of those name formulas that we had so much fun with in High School to come up with a name... but those seemed too hard to remember, and my Porn Star name turned out to be entirely dirtier than I was willing to be stuck with.

So I tried to think of phrases I say alot, but "Bite me" was neither original nor available :D Other than that, I apparently have no regular sayings.

Sooo... I started to think about the kind of person I am: crafty (I can make stuff), a reader (I've either read it or I want to), a traveler (I've either been there, or I want to go), a collector (patches, playing cards, postcards, etc), curious, messy to the point of disaster, and irritatingly short on attention. And I have on occasion referred to myself as being "like a magpie" as I'm being distracted by a sparkly fun thing. Lo and behold, I had stumbled upon my blog name.

And my porn star name? "Muffin Burns". Bwaahahahaaa!!!

Want to find out your porn star name? Read on... By the way, I "borrowed" these from http://bluearden.blogspot.com/ I hope that's ok, dude :)

YOUR PORN STAR NAME:(Name of first pet + Street you grew up on)
Muffin Burns (heehee)

YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME:(Name of your favorite snack food + Grandfather's first name)
Pretzel Luther (hmmm...)

YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME:(First word you see on your left + Favorite restaurant)
Sanyo Panera (sounds like a weird crossover brand)

EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS:(Favorite Spice + Last Vacation Spot Visited)
Thyme Vegas (I kinda like this one, if I ever write a book this'll be my pen name)

DETECTIVE ALIAS:(Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Went to High School)
Kitten Southern (porn star again!)

SOAP OPERA ALIAS:(Middle Name + First Word you see on your Right)
Claudine Spring (ironically, I was going to be named Spring, but I was born in the middle of summer)