Sub-Sister: Adventures in Substitute Teaching

Big Yellow Bus

So, as you know, I've been doing lots of activity bus driving; taking various sports teams to and from games. (Side note: none of the teams I've driven have won their games. I think I'm bad luck... poor babies.) But this past week I got my first Substitute Bus Driving assignment. This means that I actually got to drive a big yellow bus, use the pretty lights, the nifty stop sign, and say fun things like, "Do I need to stop this bus?!". Great fun!

But as you might expect, things didn't exactly go perfect on my first day. Of course not, that would be too easy, and not nearly as interesting as what actually happened.

First, I couldn't get the bus to move. Here I am at the school all alone in the pitch-black, deathly silent pre-dawn and the darned thing Will Not Budge. The parking brake seems to be stuck. So I fiddle and fiddle with it, push every button and knob I can find just in case, until I finally just floor the gas. The Beast jumps like I've just flown over a small vehicle and jerks forward about ten feet at full speed. So we have movement, but I spend the rest of the trip wondering whether there is a real problem with the braking system, or if I've done some sort of irreparable damage to the Beast.

The morning run went smoothly. I mean, I didn't leave any kids behind. Not that I know of. Of course, they weren't on the bus to let me know, but you understand.

The afternoon run was different. First, there were many many more kids to keep an eye on. I'm not sure how this happened. Where did they come from? Most likely, a bunch of the kiddies decided to ride home with their friends. Since I didn't know any of the kids anyway, I certainly wouldn't be able to tell if I had some stowaways onboard.

Then I had all the kindergarteners right behind me. These children were apparently asleep on the morning run, because I was not prepared for the unholy racket they made in the afternoon. At that age, kinders are still at the "squeal like a stuck pig when so excited that words will not do this joy justice" stage. So every time one of them saw a cute bunny on the roadside, or a bug on their seat, or their seatmate tried to kiss them, I would be shocked out of my seat by an ear-piercing high-pitched blood-curdling wail of death.

My bus swerved over the yellow line alot.

And since I attract nauseous children from miles around, I of course had a sick little girl on the bus. I hear "Miss Bus Driver, Sara's sick!" and look up to see a tear-stained little face peeking out from over a seat. Crap. all I could think was that this child was going to throw up on the bus, and I didn't know how to clean the thing out. Poor kid was looking to me for help, and all I can do is worry, move her to the seat behind me, and listen to her sob. Bless her heart, she made it home.

But the best, and most disturbing, thing was that the older kids all looked like they were behaving from the shoulders up, but behind the seats there was utter anarchy. Anarchy!! Now, I didn't find out about all this until much later, but my seemingly well-behaved dearies were back there cussing each other out, flipping each other off, and goodness knows what else. Heathens. I felt responsible, but really how is a driver supposed to catch these things? They're in their seats, they're not throwing things, they're not mooning passing traffic, and they're quieter than the kinders... *sigh*

To make up for it, I had one of the itty-bitties run up to me clutching a sweaty handful of dandelions. "Miss Bus Driver Lady! These are for you." Awww...

I'm all ferklempt.

posted by Magpie Chick at 10:36 PM